Several months ago unusual things started happening. People I used to speak with on a regular basis became too busy for me. Some would schedule time with me and cancel last minute. Then the number of direct messages I receive on Twitter increased drastically. People who used to “tweet” me in public would only send me private messages. I started testing whether I might just be over sensitive. I'd send out a message on the public time line and, if I received a response at all, it would often be via direct message. I am speaking of people geographically local to me.

Then there were people who messaged me to get my phone number because they wanted to speak with me about “something important.” They'd call, speak with me for a minute or less and say nothing of substance. In one of these conversations there was a great deal of laughter in the background. None of this would be surprising if I were twelve years old but none of the parties in this story are under thirty.

Most recently someone convinced me to join him in making a positive difference in a cause I feel passionate about. I dove in: bought the domain for the cause, created a mission statement, made lists of what needed to be done, started recruiting volunteers, did research, talked with people who could give me practical assistance and then I realized I was the only one doing anything and would likely be the only one doing anything for the foreseeable future. My partner disappeared and people I thought would welcome such a project don't want to meet with me to discuss it.

I am not foolish enough to think everyone is going to like me. I don't play politics and I speak my mind. I'm also courteous enough to let others speak theirs and to listen when they do. It is not in me to consciously hurt another even as I know people will not always agree with me. This is why I set out to find if I was being targeted and why.

Many people I asked brushed me off as being silly and walked away. Mostly I found people didn't want to entertain the question, “Did I do something wrong? People seem cold to me of late.” Finally someone gave me The Gift of Dubious Value. This person told me it is not in my head. People have been speaking about me but this person could not tell me who was speaking or what they were saying because this person didn't want it to get out that this person told me. (Do you like how I worded that? I believe in protecting my sources.)

I don't like feeling paranoid. It is nice to know my suspicions are not in my head. Since someone has confirmed it, it is no longer paranoia. It is real. I still don't know what “it” is but it is real. Someone recently sent me a post they wrote about “do overs.” She encouraged people to learn from experience and embrace change to become a better person. I've done this numerous times in my life but those times I knew what I had to change. Other times I haven't changed but instead dug in to demonstrate why I believe what I believe, presented my evidence of why this is right and convinced others that it is good. I can do neither when I don't know what change is being asked of me. I could randomly guess and end up accidentally changing what is best in me. At this point I believe the best move, is no move.

If you are looking for me, I'll be over here being me. There are plenty who like who that is. For those who don't, if you have a better idea, I'm all ears.